Nonono, if I can't be taller than 5 feet, Hesh can't be a tigerbot

Your favorite mainer-theater-concession worker returns with some more telling of customers that engage in the reality show game of 'I suck'.


Okay, now, I'm assuming most of you know this, but if you're looking to lose weight, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MOVIE THEATERS.

To elaborate, we sell food compiled of starch and water-retaining salt, candies high in fat plus other mysterious materials that in your eyes, 12 ozs of Goobers will make your flat ass gain a pound. I can't make any sense of that, but hey, all in the eye of the beholder. Our sodas will fill your stomach temporarily with a large amount of gas, making your stomach swell for a few inches, and if you're anorexic/over self-conscious, you'll probably end up crying. Then you'll end up beaming ear to ear once you burp, because, miraculously "I lost weight!" And not just, y'know, released the carbonation stored in your belly.

Our butter is composed of pure evil. And coconut oil. Coconut oil that's supposed to taste like butter, but really has some more indescribable feel to it. Plus, the machine that allows me to drown your fluffy pops of starch calls itself "Delicious golden flavored!"

In case you didn't catch the important part of that..

"Delicious GOLDEN flavored!"

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't trust something that has a flavor named after a metal, or a color. I'm not going to eat a plum if you tell me it "Tastes like purple."

So. All dieters/weight conscious please to be stepping into the theaters and passing by the concession stand immedieately, unless you want to buy a bottle of water.

Do not attempt what this woman did.

A girl, probably around 16 years old, dressed in all the trendy, normal stuff, stood still looking over everything we had. She didn't seem so much to be trying to make up her mind on what she wanted, but more searching for something that we probably didn't have.

I waited a while, finishing up a chore before coming to the front, and asking if I could help her.

She gave a smile, quickly flushed out by a curious, investigory look, still checking over our inventory before asking me her question:

"Uhm, yeah. Do you guys have salads?"

Remember. This was asked in a movie theater. We do not have salads. No movie theater has salads. Dinner focused movie theaters with nice tables and waiters do not have salads. If they have salads, they are an unnatural phenomenona, that should be left alone, as it is a wild, unpredictable beast, likely to attack you with little provocation.

"No, sorry, we don't have salads."

She asks if we have any sort of low-fat items, atkins kind of stuff, and it all goes no. I think at one point, she asked whether our popcorn was some sort of low-fat or low-calorie or just generally good for you brand.

I had to put a lot of effort into sucking the laughter in and killing it slowly with thoughts of "They...cancelled...MST3K..."

Here's the clincher. She finally orders that popcorn. I start scooping it into the bag, and then she makes a request that had me looking around me, desperate to find evidence that a wormhole had not opened up in space and sent me into an alternate dimension fueled by madness and blood.

"Could you put extra, EXTRA butter on it?"

Goddamnit.



Speaking of health/anorexia self-defeating insanity, why do people order a large soda, and then get a diet coke?

This is an unsolvable mystery to me. Unless you're getting it for the taste (Which is ANOTHER thing I can't figure out), why do you buy a LITER of soda, and then make it diet?

To explain: Diet soda is not a whirling, colorful world of fat-losing magic. Diet Soda is simply a less unhealthy form of the heartstopping original version. Both are incredibly bad for you, one just less so.

Diet Soda is not GOOD for you. It is a device that kills you slower. So I could understand getting a diet soda every now and then to feed your cravings (Much like I drink an entire 2-liter of soda, 'cept I don't gain any weight...god bless my metabolism), but I cannot understand why when you opt to get your slow acting poison, you make it a large.

Do people seriously think that Diet Coke is fueled by a Unicorn's blessings and prayers that you lose weight? That unicorn, or, more specifically, Tiffany the unicorn, prays that people could wake up and join the practice of 'Eat less unhealthy food, Exercise more'. Tiffany is dissappointed in all of you. You'd think Unicorns don't get pissed, but oh MAN, they're socially aware creatures.

If you're willing to get a large diet coke, please, PLEASE...just buy a small or medium regular coke. It keeps my brain from killing itself.

If it's for the taste, much as that is also confusing, fine. That's fine.

Some of you buy Moxie - but that's a different mystery to unravel.

PS: A few posters have made me aware that diet cokes could be purchased for people who are diabetics. Thanks for making me more aware.

PPS: I have been made aware of many plusses that come with diet-coke. I concede victory to ye. Please don't kill me.